The restaurant critic brews a heroic cup at Tea

It is obvious that everything should resemble the previous name, Vkus Kitaya, where I ate in 2022. And yet no. I compare the photographs: less that is familiar than new — they must have done a refit. New furniture, softer now, the way people like it when they use the word "cosy", more classic for a neighbourhood Chinese. Although, take the thematic little objects off the walls and tomorrow you could move in another format entirely. A pizzeria, or Mexico?

A menu of serious printing quality; the thick magazine-sized tome commands respect. They didn't print it for nothing — the kitchen must match, surely? A pity: the kitchen is such that at a tasting I would have accepted only one dish out of five, and even that one doesn't much resemble the original. The rest, with my eyes closed — or rather, if I hadn't ordered these names myself, I wouldn't have guessed them. As if the cook had never seen the references, never even got instructions over Zoom. Coffee 220 ₽, water 140 ₽ — but tea at a place called Tea is not budget: 430 ₽ for half a litre. On the other hand there's a "Summer offers" tab: presents when you spend 2,000, 3,000, 5,000 ₽.

Everything arrives at the table almost together, even what was ordered separately and after the starters, so you begin to wonder whether any of it is actually cooked to order. When the tea came off the bar more slowly than five dishes came out of the kitchen. Well, let's assume something was ready and waiting.

Fuzhu (420 ₽), the soggiest I can remember, almost a tender panna cotta by now. If there was a dressing, it stayed in the cook's plans. Bad in every way. Bland to the very edge.

Pig's ears (520 ₽): decent texture, but the most original sauce I have seen, heard of or ever suspected. Thick, as though thickened on purpose to create a premiere, already a smoothie in texture and in the way it drapes everything on the plate. Slightly sour, not hot, not oily. Edible — but is the cook making it for the first time?

Hot and sour soup (335 ₽). The dish I would praise: tasty. Though it too is unusual: dense, compact, not boring. Not pleasantly slippery, the way you expect. Call it a house special, "Tea Soup", and it would be splendid. At least here there is no urge to push the bowl aside while you rescue what you can.

Pork strands (610 ₽): the sour note is there, the cook's favourite; the heat is not. An edible but unrecognisable dish. The pork itself is decent. The register never comes together. What was that?

Kung pao chicken (580 ₽). First of all, there is no culture of knife work: everything looks like random offcuts, differing fivefold in size. There are no chillies. None at all. There are peanuts, but as if boiled. Pepper. What was that?

One of the worst Chinese restaurants around, even if the impressions of the previous, more descriptive name were gloomier still: back then they also demanded cash without warning. But look for yourselves — the pictures there are so much better!